...where do I begin? Why of course, with Gin!

And so, being bored, literate and full of coffee, I have decided to start a blog. I have pondered the name for hours, going over endless combinations of ridiculous things which could have worked but probaby wouldn't (I confess to briefly considering the idea of calling it 'Suicide Brunette'), but when it came down to it, there was only one name which would work; The perfect combination of Bombay Sapphire gin and Seinfeld’s Elaine Benes. As I sit here writing, I have one small wish for the gods to grant; I wish to get a big bottle of gin, some tonic and a bag of lemons (or preferably limes, being a pretentious ex-Cuba Street indie kid) and get wasted with Elaine.

I think gin would suit Elaine. I have always thought that different alcohols served as different kinds of drunk. With white wine, one slides slowly into drunkenness, hardly aware of it as it creeps up on you, suddenly realising that your words are slurring and you need to retain your last few motor skills to work that corkscrew one more time. With red, it’s more or less the same, but with a hefty sense of attitude. Red wine drunk makes people intellectual, or at least think they’re intellectual. Deep seated opinions and ridiculous theories come spilling out because people think that by getting drunk (not just drinking but getting DRUNK) on red wine, they are now members of some cultural elite, even with their stained teeth. Vodka drunk, to me, has always been the most dangerous of the inebriations. This is mainly because it has no taste and therefore no limit. Vodka drunk is always a perilous walk (or stumble) on the edge, frequently ending in tears, or vomit or a blank slate which is painfully filled in the next morning between bouts of hangover.

Tequila is a step further still; the closest the alcohol world has to a hallucinogenic drug. It’s a party in a glass, and a single shot can have you walking into walls. Then there’s beer drunk; arguably the dullest and most laborious kind. With beer, your intellectual level goes down, and there’s always the double bugbear of feeling bloated and having to piss every ten minutes. Beer drunk is both an easy and difficult thing to achieve and good if you don’t want to do anything for the rest of the evening, talk about sex in a basic way and eat fried chicken. It reminds me of my building site days, when somehow you were a pussy if you drank anything over 6 percent.

Whiskey is a mature drunk. Suddenly things make sense in an excellent way and you feel totally grown up. This is because Whiskey is cruel mistress; she’ll treat you mean if you’re underage and its best to have a few bad vodka experiences before tentatively filling your glass with Canadian Club. Things can get heavy on whiskey, but good heavy, like being wrapped in a really thick, cosy duvet.

But for me, Gin drunk takes the crown. It’s got the best bits of all of them: the intellectual stimulation of red wine, the maturity of whiskey and, most importantly, the disguised party nature of tequila. Gin is the true party spirit; the world’s best kept secret. Music sounds better on gin; cigarettes taste better. Conversations become dream things, the stars sparkle. People who disown gin as ‘an old people’s drink’ don’t realize that this is only the case because they got there first. On a good night, with a few friends and some Daft Punk on the stereo, it can change your life.

So, back to Elaine. Gin and Ms. Benes...can anyone think of a better alcohol/TV character combination? Think of the conversations, the anecdotes, the DANCING!!! I am also pretty sure I could convince her join me for a sneaky cigarette or three on the balcony. And then, for the rest of the night, we would have New York to party in, and who, in any possible mindset, could possibly ask for more than that?

And so, that is my dream, my inspiration and my muse for all that follows. My hope is my writing can one day be as good as that; as amazing and as truly awe-inspiring combination of Bombay and Elaine.