More Greyhound adventures

The trip from Vegas to San Fran was a long and painful one, beginning at 3am when the Larry David-lookalike (complete with slacks) sitting next to me began bombarding me with 'fun facts' about California. Please imagine if Larry David was slightly autistic and smiled constantly without looking at you. This was my fifteen hour gambit between states and another example of the freaks that Greyhound has to offer.

Across fifteen hours, I learnt many painful, ridiculous things about California from Autistic Larry (who's name actually was David). After each fact, I would feign interest (with less and less conviction as the trip went on) with a "Oh, really?" to which he would bluntly respond "yes" and then stare out the window, grinning from ear to ear like a happy dog. After this, I would re-attach my ipod and get On the Road back on track and just when I'd gotten to the paragraph where Dean shows up again (or whatever), I'd feel a tap on my shoulder and a small part of me would die inside.

At some stage in California, I realized that this man was clearly insane. He hadn't slept AT ALL for the fifteen hour trip and would break into sporadic coughing fits several times an hour. When we stopped in the middle of nowhere for a lunch break, he ordered a Fish O' Fillet from McDonald's (the only place to get food, as usual). He then proceeded to eat the fish fillet bit but not before licking off all the tartare sauce and spitting it delicately onto the ground. After this, he crumbled the burger bun into little crumbs and putting it into his top pocket for "a wee snack." For the last three hours, my sanity was tested to the brink. Every few minutes I would hear him unzipping his top pocket and pulling out a tiny, rolled up crumb of bread. These he would chew carefully, one by one, with his eyes closed, never letting his smile fade. Then he would zip the pocket up again, carefully, and tell me at length about his favourite state.

Insane Larry: "Did you know that Klamath Basin National Wildlife Refuge contains the largest winter population of bald eagles in the continental United States?"

"Did you know that Inyo National Forest is home to the bristle cone pine, the oldest living species in America? Did you know that some of the gnarled trees and thought to be over 4,600 years old?"

"Did you know that when I was travelling through San Diego in 1978, I had a seafood buffet for $3.25. I went back six years later and they had the same buffet but it was $5.55. I refused to pay it."

SHUT UP!!!!!!

He got off at San Jose and I managed to rest my poor, fast food filled, sunburn-destroyed body for an hour before we arrived at our destination. I began the long, fruitless search for an internet cafe. To cut a long story short, there are none. The people of San Francisco are so trendy and 'up with it' that it is a city of wi fi. Your humble narrator was, however, unaware of this and so spend a long, painful afternoon walking around the downtown area with my travellers pack destroying my sunburnt shoulders with every step. At some point, I decided that ridicule was better than pain and so began to drag it behind me down the street. This did not prove to be a good idea. A homeless man with no teeth applauded me as I turned onto his corner and tried to give me a high five. I winced with pain and reattached the pack. My eyes watered for hours.

Eventually, a kindly Chinese woman allowed me to use her Internet when I went in to buy a pork bun. Somehow I made it to the gallery opening where I met up with Trey, and slumped into the corner with a plastic cup of wine. Over the next few hours, I would meet at least four people who wanted to (and probably would) save the world. I would drink a lot more and I would come across more crazy people who would scare the shit out of me. Thankfully, most of them were homeless and thus our interactions were short and relatively sweet.

San Francisco, I can feel my heart pulling away already. Damn you and your catchy cliches.